Dudes. We love you, but some of the expectations you have of us range from absurd to straight-up mean. Like you, we’re bound to the same limitations that come with being human.
As you’ve probably learned by now, when we’re happy, you’re happy — so please do us both a favor and stop making us feel inadequate and frustrated by making these ridiculous demands. Check ‘em out, and then hear what dudes have to say about it.
1. “Have a perfect body. Also, be down to house an entire plate of wings.”
This may come as a shock to some of you, but those fast food commercials featuring a Sports Illustrated model demolishing a burger are not based on actual science. Expecting us to be stick-thin and “low maintenance” is like expecting a race car to run on empty and haul ass.
2. “My body hair is awesome. Deal with it. All of it.”
Don’t expect sympathy from us when you say you don’t want to groom yourself because “it’s a pain.” (Have you ever had searing wax poured on your special area?) No one likes a mouth full of pubes. Trim accordingly.
3. “Be cool with me going to strip clubs.”
We get it. It’s your buddy’s bachelor party/birthday/breakup. To understand how this makes us feel, though, imagine that it was us going out and paying some random dude to grind all over us and wave his crotch in our face. Actually, we’re in a spending mood — why not make it a few dudes’ crotches? You cool with that? No? Then stop telling us we’re overreacting.
4. “Go on birth control, but don’t get moody.”
We’re willing to take one for the team, but know that for many women, the Pill is a one-way ticket to Bats–t Crazyville. Even our doctors have no idea how it’ll affect us until we try it. We endure maddening mood swings and side effects like weight gain and boob soreness, all so that you won’t have to wear a raincoat.
So next time we fly into a rage and “accidentally” throw your suitcase out the window, the proper response is “thank you.” Maybe someday, thanks to science,you’ll finally understand.
5. “Look hot, but don’t take so long getting ready.”
You claim that we “don’t need makeup,” but your reaction when when do go full-throttle painted face tells us otherwise. When we look good, you look good, and you know it.
Even “effortless” beauty often requires at least a blow dry, bronzer and some mascara, so enough with the pacing around and asking if we’re “ready yet.” Not everyone can be as naturally beautiful as you.
6. “Sleep with me, listen to my problems, but don’t get the crazy idea that we’re dating.”
You have may noticed that this article is titled “Unrealistic Expectations Guys Put On Their Girlfriends.” Well, buster, if you’re “not really looking for a relationship right now,” then we’re not really looking to deal with your emotional baggage, go to breakfast with you, and give you advice on what to wear to that job interview.
You can have your cake or you can eat it. If this is “just sex,” just have sex with us, then get walkin’ before you’re tempted to get talkin’.
7. “Don’t talk during football.”
Those of us who are not football fans in our own right are still down to watch the game with you — but we want to understand what’s going on, because that’s a pivotal factor in caring about the game. Don’t get annoyed at us for asking why a call was made; blame the NFL for having a seemingly never-ending and constantly changing list of rules.
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