By now, the whole world has registered its disappointment and distaste with Jamie “Christian Grey” Dornan’s stubborn refusal to let the “Fifty Shades of Grey” audience catch a glimpse of his penis — which, considering that a lot of people were probably going to see the film explicitly and exclusively for a glimpse of said penis, is really pretty rude.
Oh, well. C’est la vie, right? I mean, sure, we were hoping for a glorious evening in the Red Room of Pain, but I guess we can all just spend another dull eternity in the Beige Waiting Area of It Wouldn’t Kill You Guys To Cater To The Female Gaze Once In A Blue Damn Moon.
But listen, Hollywood: If we’re not getting an eyeful of man meat from Mr. Dornan, then we, the “Fifty Shades of Grey” audience, contractually demand the following.
1. A lengthy shot of implied ding-dong.
If they can’t show it, they can at least suggest it through some clever camerawork.
2. Maximum backside.
Jamie Dornan might have managed to censor the hot dog, but we’re betting his contract doesn’t say anything about the buns. BRING ON THE BUNS.
3. Some rough, hot, sweaty, gratuitous… exercise.
When graphic sex is out of the question, the classic alternative is to show the hardbodied hero exerting himself in a different way, and letting the audience use its imagination to fill in the blanks. (You know how every other episode of “Arrow” includes at least one totally unnecessary shot of Oliver Queen working out with his shirt off? Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh.)
4. Buff breakfast.
Since we won’t be seeing Christian Grey flip Ana’s pancakes figuratively, can we at least get a shot of him doing it literally? Thanks.
5. Cats.
What do ladies love almost as much as full-frontal male nudity? Cats. So put some cats in the movie. Although look, not gonna lie, to make up for what we’re missing, it’ll have to be a lot of cats. Like, at least three hundred cats.
6. A promise, in writing, that there will be no such withholding of wang in the sequel.
We’ll play along with this nonsense for one movie, but let’s not forget that it’s being adapted from a trilogy — and as Meat Loaf would say, two outta three ain’t bad. So when “Fifty Shades Darker” and “Fifty Shades Freed” hit the big screen, as they almost certainly will, let’s just all agree right now that these films will deliver the whole package. Okay? Okay.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” hits theaters February 13, 2015.
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